Contentment

I lead a pretty good life, at least in my eyes, it's good. I have a loving husband, own a house, and love my job. My husband and I are able to support ourselves comfortably. I'd say that makes me quite content.

After finishing a novel, I felt inspired. The novel inspired me to be better. Striving to be better than I was the previous day has been my goal for years now. Have I met that goal? I surely hope so. Even so, I can still be better.  Most of the time, if a stranger asks for some change, I'm likely to give it to them. Sometimes I'll donate money to some charity that the cashier has to push, but none of that is enough. I don't do any of those things on a consistent basis. Am I really making a difference? Yes and no. That change could make the difference on whether a person gets to eat today or not. Every dollar counts towards charity, right? Those little things are just a ripple in a big pond.

I want to give back and help other people be better. Giving back to others is where I have fallen short lately. My mindset has been myself, my husband, and our goals. There's not necessarily anything wrong with my focal point, but there's so many other people out in the world. I could be making a difference yet here I sit idly. I realized that I can't be content since I'm not doing anything to help others.

I want to help others see that there is a way out. They need to know that it will be hard and others may try to stop them, but they are more than capable. We all need a little help some time. There's nothing wrong with asking for help or allowing someone to help.

Some things that I plan to do are volunteer. I've volunteered up until about last year. I love the Real Charitable Housewives of Delaware organization. I'd love to volunteer with them again. An organization that is close to my heart is Operation Gratitude. You can help by visiting Ways to Help: Operation Gratitude I really enjoy writing letters and try to incorporate this into my classroom also. Now I'm off to search for other ways to make a difference.

"Have a Kid Later in Life", They Said!

There have been several articles that suggest that women are having babies later in life. That seems great, right? Having a child later in life might mean you have more of a chance to chase your dreams and enjoy success. Your struggle to achieve those dreams may be easier. You might be better prepared if you wait. There are so many things that might happen if you wait to have a child later in life. Who knows what will really happen?

I'll be 29 this year and have no children. It isn't because I don't love children, I absolutely do. I have no children for several reasons. I am a planner and I had a plan for my life. My plan was go to college, get a job, get married, buy a house, and have children. So boring, right? That's me! Wait, there's more! I wanted to be married for at least two years before having children. When I was a child, I thought 28 would be a good age to have a child. I achieved all of my prerequisites for having a child, but then I decided to plan around the school year. The window was open to attempt to conceive, but I got cold feet. Numerous questions were running through my mind. Could we afford daycare and all of our other bills with our salaries? Was I prepared for the challenges that would come? Were we mature enough? Are we strong enough in our marriage to bring a child into our lives? My many thoughts interfered with the conception window. I waited too long and the window closed.

After we did not conceive, I felt thankful. The lives of people around us were changing rapidly. It was looking like we'd be called upon to raise my nieces or at least one of them. Knowing that we might be taking on a one year old and a five year old terrified me. I thanked God that we did not conceive because I couldn't imagine raising three children. Of course, it is possible, but I was not up to the challenge! We are not taking care of my nieces and still childless.

So here I sit without kids. Almost all of my friends have kids and many of them are on their second. I love my friends. Most of them are just as awesome now that they have kids, but some have become self righteous. Now maybe I think this because I'm bitter or maybe they really are self righteous! Anyway, I don't hang out with any of them all too often. We have less in common now which is obvious and natural. Some people take this as you were never a good friend if you come around less after a child. It's a natural life progression. When you get married, you hang out less with single people and no one gets offended by that! I'm the friend who will go to Chuck E. Cheese with a friend and their kids or go to the park and play with the kids. I get that life changes after kids and that's fine, but that goes both ways. Some will talk about their kids all darn day and I can only sit for so long.

Being in my age bracket surrounds me with children. I teach. Guess what most of the teachers have in common? Children! Waiting to have children has kind of left me on the outside. I don't go many places that will allow me to meet other married women that don't have children. No one ever told me that waiting would make me feel this way. They never said people would think you're miserable because you don't want to spend all of your time with them and their kids. I didn't know I would find myself sad over the lack of time I spend outside of my house. There wasn't anyone to say that mothers would look down on me thinking I had no knowledge of children. I wasn't aware of how many times I would hear, "It's not the same as having your own."

This too shall pass.

Fear

When you are a child, you think you know it all. You believe that you understand the world that we live in. You may or may not believe that most people are good, but have the potential to do bad things. As you get older, sometimes your views change because of experiences or you've had a chance to understand different points of view.

My husband is a black man in America. Is he a gang banger? No. Has he ever done drugs or gone to jail? No. Sure, he has broken the law, but it's the same typical lawbreaking that most of us do. You know what he has done? He has loved wholeheartedly, cared for other people's animals, and always been there with a helping hand. Those details are things most people don't know. How could they? They don't know him.

My husband is a go lucky, comic lover, gaming type of guy. He knows hardship. Hardship is growing up in the ghetto of inner city Philadelphia. It's learning to run fast to avoid trouble. It is learning to fight so you don't get beat up everyday. It is knowing that the kid next to you in class probably won't eat dinner, but you'll be able to have seconds. Watching people participate in shady dealings is nothing surprising. Being followed by store owners was a normal part of life. He experienced hate early on in life. As a young child, my husband saw some pretty rough things, but he decided not to be a statistic.

Recently, my husband and I traveled to New York. My husband was extremely worried about going and kept expressing that he hoped the protesting was over. I was pretty surprised that he wanted the protests to end. He was not a fan of the Eric Garner verdict or of some other incidents that had taken place. I remember us discussing how people needed to stand up for what's right even if that meant protesting. I sat there wondering, what's changed? Fear. It was pure fear that made my husband want the protests to end.

We were sitting on the couch catching up on shows when he offers me his work code. He begins to tell me what to do in the event that he's addressed. I'm pretty sure I look horrified in that moment. I could only utter, "You're joking, right?" He was not joking at all. My husband proceeded to show me videos of brutality. If he were to get arrested, I was to immediately take all of his belongings. In order for him to maintain his position at work, I would have had to call a number and enter a code. All of this was too much. "What would you possibly get arrested for?" I asked. He looked me dead in the face and simply said, "For being a young black man in America." The sad thing is with everything going on, he was absolutely right. I'm happy to say that New York was a blast and neither of us was arrested.

Recent events have made it so I don't understand my husband. I get he's scared, but how can I truly understand that? I can't because I am not a black man. I don't worry that as I'm walking down a busy street that someone will falsely accuse me of a crime. I don't worry that while peacefully protesting, I'll be singled out and injured. Every time I see police sirens behind me, I don't become terrified that I might go to jail or be unfairly harassed.

When I take the time to think about how afraid my husband is, I feel sad. I feel sad that he doesn't get to truly be comfortable in his own skin wherever he goes. All I can do is pray & hope that he doesn't have to deal with any of his fears.